W.C. Running Commentary

I dedicate this posting to Jeanette Castellanos, my college roommate who was the best person to make fun of TV with.

Ok, here’s my Semi-Running Commentary on the World Cup Opening Ceremony:

First and foremost, What the -----? Were the program writers on crack? At every turn I’ve been wondering what was going on.

First, the drummers who had an average weight of 250. Good for the kids who got to do it, though – that’s awesome!

It was cool when they pulled the green carpets away and the red appeared.

The great line of adult and adolescent boys humping giant bells at an ever increasing speed. This was the point where I rued the fact that I’m watching this alone.

The skipping and slapping dudes in suspenders and the twirling girls. The girls looked cool, but if I were one of them I definitely would’ve barfed.

The poor little German girl who came out skipping and waving as if anyone could see her, and the little kid who looked like he was going to bust his training wheels at any point.

The creepy German opera singers running around with wacked-out hairdos. And the poor little German girl tried to sing along.

The dudes in red who did some crazy German rap. I’m pretty sure I could have danced better than some of the people on the ground. And the dancer with the helmet on like he was going to do some headspins. They did manage to find some people who could do headspins for the show, but I didn’t see the guy with the helmet.

The freaky, cracked out skirted people representing different countries. The U.S.’s was a Native American in a giant headdress with movie film on his skirt. That’s us all right.

Claudia Schiffer didn’t realize the trophy was so heavy and did not seem interested in holding Pele’s hand.

Teenage boys holding grown men’s hands as the previous winners paraded in.

The Brazil kids just came out with their five signs for the years they’ve won – a bunch of white, red-headed and blonde kids to represent a nation whose players are mainly descendents of African slaves. Oh, and they couldn’t find a shirt big enough for that poor kid, pulling it away from his boy-boobs. Poor thing.

Listening to the speaker I can only think that English is related to this language.

I’m confused about the music – is it German or Brazilian?
There go Brazil and CR! Ecuador! Argentina! USA!

The hanging fake women are creeping me out too. Someone’s moving their arms so I keep thinking they’re real. Or are they?

Wow, that just came to a Flintstones’ tire-screeching halt.

In Summary: While it was valiant effort, I’m going to hope that it was a “you had to be there” kind of thing – better in person.

The fun part about this is that I’m in Japan, so I get to see the crazy Japanese commercials. I wish I could see the ones from home, though. They’re always good. The Spanish-channel ones are good too. Remember the one where the guy had the TV’s all over his house so he never missed a play? I never got tired of that one.

Unfortunately the commentators I’m getting are incredibly obnoxious. Ah well.

So, of course I’m going for Costa Rica in this game. Good for them making it!

The great thing about being from a country where it’s hard to have any sort of national spirit is that I can root for so many other teams: of course Japan, CR, Italy for Maria, Brazil because they’re Brazil, and after them any other Latin American country.

Has anyone noticed that few of the Japanese players have their original hair color? They look like a bunch of anime characters.

One of the Japanese players is from the next town over, which is pretty cool. That’s better than Christian Laettner being from “Buffalo.” Is that dude still playing basketball? I guess he was Shaq’s year… All’s I know is he graduated from Duke when I was a sophomore, which was 14 years ago. Good God, I’m old! Either way, Grant Hill was my boyfriend.

I just saw a commercial where Maradona dreams he’s playing for Brazil, then wakes up and looks at the empty cans on his nightstand. If those are supposed to be beer cans, that’s in poor taste considering his track record with illicit substances.

Wow, Italy sure does know how to breed ‘em. A couple of those guys are tasty.

That one German dude looks like Matt Damon.
Ronaldinho just has a mouth full of teeth, doesn’t he?

Did someone tell this chick in pink that she was sexy? Or that those opera guys wanted her?

The world with the German colors radiating from it is only slightly creepy.

GOOOOOOLLLLLLL COSTAAAA RRRRRICAAAAAAAAA! 1-1 Vamos, tiquillos!

Now the friggin’ Shape-Shifter from Deep Space Nine scored (Klose). 2-1 in the 19th minute

*** Editor’s Note***

I went to sleep shortly after Germany’s third goal. I was falling asleep anyway, and the future looked grim. Checking the scores this morning I see that Costa Rica did manage to score another goal, but lost 4-2. It wasn’t pretty people. Gambatte in future games, tiquillos.